The below article was written by Gabrielle N. Rippel and published for Aurora Family Counseling Services and the post can be found here.

Do judgmental thoughts in your mind prevent you from living your life to its fullest? Our inner critic can often get the best of us with its disparaging voice. It thrives on ruining our self-worth and can sully our achievements, question our value, and overanalyze every negative to the point of consuming our minds. The more we try to fight against those thoughts, the louder our inner critic becomes.

Why does an inner critic exist? Where did it come from? The inner critic has evolved over time. Its original design was to protect us, but now it can easily take on a life of its own.

How can we coexist with our inner critic in a healthy way? The first step is to recognize what types of thoughts are your inner critic. Once you determine which thoughts belong to your inner critic, it helps to name them. Giving your inner critic a name (or visual description) can help identify it, and you can begin to understand why it exists and where it came from. Once you understand why it exists, you can begin to understand your inner critic’s purpose. You can then learn to tame it.

What is an Inner Critic?

What can an inner critic sound like? It can range from multiple voices in your mind—usually providing judgment or even hurting your feelings. Some examples include:

• You’re fat.
• You’re lazy.
• No one likes you.
• You won’t get it right the first time, so don’t even try.
• Your work is embarrassing.
• You’ll never amount to anything.
• People are judging you just because you exist.
• Don’t do or say anything silly; you’re too grown up and it’s embarrassing to act that way.

If you’re anything like me, variations of these thoughts seem to run through your mind almost daily. It’s especially frustrating when you’re constantly second-guessing yourself or your abilities because your inner critic speaks so loudly.

Where Did the Inner Critic Come From?

Growing up is a learning curve–you grow, you do, you mess up, and you learn. This is the common experience for all humans on this planet—so why does making a mistake feel so embarrassing? Why does it feel almost shameful? It’s important to know that external actions can cause internal emotions. For example, if you work hard on something, you’re proud of it, and you present your work only to receive criticism, it can feel devastating, embarrassing, and shameful. But why?

Our culture thrives on external validation, and when we receive anything other than that, it can feel as if we have somehow failed simply because people aren’t giving us praise. It can be something as simple as the tone used or a lack of encouraging words from a person you view as an authority or someone you seek approval from (like your boss, a teacher, or sometimes even a stranger). The closer connection you have to the person you seek validation from, the harder criticisms can feel.

And just as you learn and grow, so does your inner critic. It can file away every past mistake or embarrassing memory to avoid those situations and outcomes. Your inner critic can recognize how uncomfortable shame and embarrassment feel, so its job is to prevent those feelings as best as possible. You’re not being mean to yourself. Your inner critic came from somewhere, from a place of protection. And sometimes, it does such a good job it can prevent you from even trying.

How Can I Let the Inner Critic Exist Without It Controlling My Life?

The fact is that humans tend to have goals and dreams. It’s impractical not to follow through on them. If you let your inner critic get its way, unfulfilled dreams could be a reality. Thankfully, there’s a way to prevent that from happening. Over time, I have learned to identify these judgmental thoughts for what they are, and it becomes much easier when I give it a name. When I picture my inner critic, he looks like a small black-and-white man, almost like a cartoon character. He’s sitting on a short wooden stool, wearing a top hat, black suit, and a monocle over his left eye. I call him “Mr. Monopoly Man.” Now that my inner critic has a name, I can work on discovering his purpose and why he’s here to begin with.

If you can recognize it, you can lessen its grip on you and play with the idea of “What if I let myself feel that?” What if you let yourself feel those thoughts for a minute and are still ok? Now, you’ve widened your window of tolerance. This allows you to feel something you couldn’t feel before. For some people, naming it is a way to silence the inner critic when it’s not being helpful; for others, extra help or guidance can be beneficial. For me, I found that speaking with my therapist at Family Counseling Service was a great way to help identify it to the point of not allowing it to take over. She helps me realize that a thought is just a thought—it doesn’t mean it’s true. She also helps me understand that I am not the only one struggling to live with my inner critic.

There is something about knowing you are not alone in the struggle. It allows your inner critic to exist while pursuing your goals. You are capable of great things, and I hope that reading this helps you see that you are not alone in this journey. If you also need a little help along that way, know you’re not alone in that either.

Seek Professional Help if Needed

Don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Therapists and counselors can provide valuable support and coping strategies. Family Counseling Service is here to help. Give us a call at 630-844-2662 or contact us online to schedule individual therapy and give yourself permission to take care of yourself.